It's easy when you're trying to forget about someone to put them out of your mind, stop thinking about them, erase the memories, quit being reminded of them, right? Wrong. It seems like the hardest thing in the world; to stop those thoughts. You know the thoughts I thought, I thought were right. Too many thoughts! Not enough think. How do you erase those memories, those creases, those crevices of memorabilia, of thought, of if, of when, of past, of present, of thought-out fake reality future? Where do you go to hide? How do you stop it from being? How do you stop those thoughts? Those random thoughts, those familiar thoughts; those thoughts? How do you take something wrong, that was right that wasn't right and get rid of it? Too hard. How do you make sense of it all? I don't. I can't. I wish, I could but I can't. Those thoughts they rattle in my head they blow around in there and they cause ruckus. They open drawers that say see that this once was and you once were and this is how it should have been and then there are those thoughts that say see this is what was you were what were but that's not how it should've been and I don't know who's right! Should have been, could have been, supposed to have been, I don't know. All I know is what's now. This is the hardest thing I've ever thought to get rid of thoughts; memories; ideas to alter the reality of a false reality. How do I erase those thoughts? Can I just pretend they don't exist? You don't exist. We don't exist. It doesn't exist. I don't exist; too much existing but not existing nowhere existing. A cloud is real but you cannot touch it and you cannot taste it and you cannot feel it but it’s there because you see it. Does that make a thought real? An instinct, a gut feeling real? I cannot touch it, I cannot see it, I cannot taste it, but I can feel it. I can feel the thought rattling in my head back and forth back and forth back and forth. I can feel it weighing on my heart right wrong up down right wrong done over right wrong mistakes change. I can feel it in my stomach pacing back and forth twisting, turning knotting. But is it real? I don't know any more I thought I was so sure of everything before. Now I’m not so sure anymore. I pushed no pull. I pulled no push. I screamed, no screams. I screamed, no response; passive, dismissive, submissive, tried it all. I tried what I thought I thought you thought would work, then I tried what I thought I thought I thought would work and that didn't work either. So, now I don't know. For the longest I was so sure waiting for you to be sure and you never were. Now I'm unsure waiting for me to be sure and I'm not sure I ever will be. It's scary. I just want some peace, some sleep, some thoughtlessness thoughts. Some black abyss memories, space to empty out the crooks and crevices of those thought-out thoughts of those hidden away memories of fold together hide away memories. I just want to stop wanting, stop thinking, stop feeling in this existence of nothing; inside there, in my head wandering around. If only these thoughts did not make a sound.
There aren't any more I love yous in there anymore I hate yous. There's only I don't know yous and I want to forget yous. There's not any more please forgive mes, anymore I'm sorry, anymore I want to make this right. There's only can I forgive me and you're not sorry and will I forgive you and I’m not sorry, work harder, fight. There are so many words in there for you but they're not familiar anymore they are not honey and babe and sweetheart they’re bastard and asshole and dick, jerk! There are no more please and thank yous. There are please and thank you. There are no more I miss yous, I want yous, I need yous. There is only I wish you would go away, I want you to leave, I need you to stop inhabiting my brain. There is no more you who there used to be you there's just you who’s used to me.
