I Was Wrong Too

You were wrong for tearing our relationship apart the way you did. You were wrong for lying to me & letting me think I could save something I had already lost. You were wrong to say all those things I can't un-hear. You weren't wrong for letting me love you.

I was wrong for letting us get torn apart. I was wrong for not saving what we had before it was lost. I was wrong for not realizing I was losing you & all I wanted was you. I was wrong for letting you say those things to comfort my heart & knowing I would never un-hear them. I was wrong for wanting you to mean them.

I cry as I read back through text messages that say the sweetest things but I ignored for hurt feelings. I should have listened to my feelings! Like get in the car & have cake with this man regardless of how long you just waited to not have cake with him. I should have realized that was you saying, I want you here even though I know you'll be angry with me; I still want you here! I was wrong for not doing it even though that was what I really wanted was to be with you regardless of how I felt. I was wrong.

I was wrong for thinking you weren't going anywhere ever. I was wrong for thinking you wouldn’t leave me & there was nothing to worry about. I was wrong for not making sure you didn’t want to go anywhere else. I was wrong for letting someone walk in & have you, without fighting for you (I would have, I should have). I'm sorry you didn't know I loved you enough to not walk away. I never knew 1 week would undo my forever. I was wrong.

You were wrong for taking our private moments & putting someone else in them. You were wrong for holding on to me longer than you should have. You were wrong for letting me boost & champion you while you knew that you were betraying my trust. You weren't wrong to want to feel loved & adored.

I was wrong for not showing you how much I love & adore you. I was wrong for not telling you that I would shatter if you walked away. I was wrong for not knowing you were out looking for someone else. I was wrong for giving you away because I refused to believe you would go. I was wrong for not knowing what you needed to stay. I should have showered you with the affections I wanted instead of the ones I thought you wanted. I was wrong.

You were wrong for sending me John Legend "This Time" lyrics & not meaning all of it. You were wrong for letting me think that things were good between us. You were wrong for crossing a line you knew you were crossing.

I was wrong for thinking we were better while everything seemed as they once were. I was wrong for thinking things would stay as they were when your actions said they weren't. I was wrong for pretending it didn’t bother me to see you with someone else. I was wrong for never putting my foot down & being too afraid to confront you. I should have been better & stronger.

I am sorry that I didn’t realize I was losing you. You were worth fighting for, for so many reasons. I should have made sure you understood how amazing you were for me. I thought I was doing enough & I never thought you would be “that” guy. The one who breaks your heart when you least expect it. The guy you can’t trust farther than you can throw him.

I wasn’t paying attention to the fact of the matter which is, you were “that” man. That man I appreciated for loving me even when I made it difficult. That man who I uplifted & prayed over because I love. You were that man who I freely gave my heart & forgot to make sure I had your heart secured. You were that man & I am sorry I didn't make sure you knew.

I know you made the decision your heart needed.  I hope one day you can forgive me because I was wrong too.

No One to Listen

I hate that I miss you & I always fall your type so I’m always missing you…. I got so stuck on how amazingly brilliantly different you were I failed to notice anything else. I forgot to notice the quietly blinding signs. I focused on the radiating pulses of electric fire that ripped through my every nerve ending from having your skin touch mine. I was getting lost in the calm riot of your kisses that blazed a trail of unadulterated passion into my body. While I should have been noticing the unreturned calls/texts/e-mails and the lack of want; all the time you spent missing for inexplicable reasons that were only for me. Noticing all the time you had to keep in contact with the people who really were important to you. I should have been trying to get out of the masquerade; I was the only one without a mask.

Others were wondering what was happening with “us” while they knew more than I did. Late night/early morning texts searching for a missing you that I was never privy to locating. Shame of it all, I was the only one who was thinking I meant anything. All the while I was another name for the bottom of your list. You had me playing a game I could never win because I didn’t know I was in the game.

It does explain why I was always the last to know everything in your life. How everyone’s everything was more important than mine. Those late night calls weren’t because you were missing me but because your front runner was busy. Now I know why everything was an almost. Why you almost called, almost text…you know why you almost made an actual plan. How you almost pretended you cared. It’s easy to understand why the rules weren’t rules to anybody else. How is it, the man who preached of being a better man, wasn’t a better man?

I regret letting you get close to me & wasting so much energy trying. Maybe when you told me you didn’t believe in try it should have sent off an alarm. If you didn’t believe in try; I should have stopped trying. Except, I didn’t. That statement alone explained why you were doing for others & not even attempting when it came to me. I did that to myself. So rarely I let anyone near my heart, when I let go it hurts deep.

It’s not your fault I care deep & fiercely. It’s not your fault I didn’t walk away sooner. It’s not your fault I let myself ignore all the signs. It is your fault for making me believe you were someone I should care about. It’s your fault for stringing me along.

It’s your own doing you feel betrayed. Betrayed, because I no longer accept your half-truths as truths? Betrayed, because I know my emotional limitations & not being able to trust someone bothers me? Betrayed, because I didn’t want to be used by you any longer? Betrayed, because while you preach about being a better person, I am actually trying to be one? I laugh because it’s ironic that now you feel betrayed when I should have! From the long list of women I never knew about to the M.I.A. everything. I should feel betrayed because I told you I didn’t want to be your place holder & you made me one. I have every right to be angry that all you did was take & manipulate; while I actually gave a damn.

I’m amazed I’m trying to explain myself to someone who doesn’t even fake an excuse on my behalf. I felt guilty in deleting you from my FB & phone book. I confessed to clear my conscience to someone whose conscience has no concern for me. I had every right to write you off & not feel guilty. Except when the thought of me hurting you came up I balked & rushed to amend; explain my “wrong”. Unfortunately the thought of hurting me doesn’t even cause you pause.

Now, I’m left with my conscience because I f*ed up again when it comes to you. I let you lure me back in while knowing I needed to let you go. You were ill & I cared. I should have walked right out of that house & never looked back. Then my feelings started nagging me. I tried to allow you to tell me the truth & still you pretended. I went along with your charade because you were ill & a part of me wanted to believe you. I should have ran for the door that very second.

Then I allowed myself to fall for your not so charismatic charm. I let you seduce me into old habits & familiarities that hurt me in the end. Now my conscience & my heart are screaming at me. I wanted that never had conversation to happen so I could tell you how I felt & express my betrayal from you. I wish I had said to you what I had been holding in for so long. Instead you win. You got to use me one last time & go right back to your regularly scheduled life.

I wish it were that easy for me.

Someone's Love Story

I want to be someone’s Helen of Troy, someone’s Penelope. I’m not sure but I think that’s what all women want. Well at least all of the ones who still have romantic sparks flying through their veins. The ones who watch love stories and still get the ooohhhh weeeis (not to be confused with onweis)! Screw it; at least me! I mean is it so wrong to want someone to fight for you or to be with you. Odysseus went through hell & high water to get back to Penelope. Now, I don’t need anyone to go through sirens & mythological Gods but I mean at least want to beat out the competition. Heck, at least someone who can pretend to want to beat out the competition. Even acknowledge I’m worthy of competition.

Maybe I am asking too much. Maybe I’m not asking enough. Really I have no idea how to inspire that Helen of Troy, Cleopatra; ruin an empire for me affection. I don’t even want someone to ruin an empire for me. What I really want is to feel valued, appreciated & cared for in a respective manner. I’m tempted to give up but I can’t…well I could try…nope not in me. Too much mush inside this old heart to stop trying. I just want to fall in love (heck I’ll even settle for in like) with someone who falls back.

I seem to always meet mister almost there. Mister dang it he has everything I’m looking for except me. Except when I try to add me I get, mister not willing to work for it. Mister just spread your legs or mister got me doing all the work. I believe in pursuing a man but what good does it do if he isn’t in on the chase? That’s like playing tag with someone who is sitting at base; pointless! Where has the love dance gone?

I know it sounds completely naïve to believe in love story love anymore but I do! I mean I’ve had love story love before & I know not all fairytales have happy endings. It doesn’t mean you can’t have one that does. Especially since I know that to get happily ever after you have to go through love story heartbreak. It’s that part of the love story we always forget about once we see the end. The scene where there is a heap in the middle of the bed surrounded by tissues and covered in snot!! Most people forget that part in their hoping and dreaming. Not I. I know and I’m ok after it happens but jeez Louise can a girl get some knight in shining armor going on before she has to do the snotty tissue heap!

Ahhh knight in shining armor (or warrior)! He duals for his woman. Climbs towers, knocks out the competition & even battles a few monsters! What relationship doesn’t have its share of tests? I just wish I could get someone to ace mine. Work to be with me, show me why I don’t need anyone else but you & let me inside enough emotionally so I don’t feel abandoned. I don’t require all that extra stuff like a castle, horse drawn carriage or sacks of gold. I know that is all obtainable & losable. I do however need companionship, trust and sense of direction. Penelope knew where her shroud was going (in the trash heap) because she knew her man!

As I walk into 2012 that is my goal. To become someone’s love story….someday. I do not deceive myself into thinking I can make it happen. I do however know that if I don’t start demanding knight in shining armor qualities I will never get there. I’m cheering in the New Year & my attempt at becoming a history book/lifetime movie worthy love story!

Sincerely,
The Hopeless Romantic in Me