No One to Listen

I hate that I miss you & I always fall your type so I’m always missing you…. I got so stuck on how amazingly brilliantly different you were I failed to notice anything else. I forgot to notice the quietly blinding signs. I focused on the radiating pulses of electric fire that ripped through my every nerve ending from having your skin touch mine. I was getting lost in the calm riot of your kisses that blazed a trail of unadulterated passion into my body. While I should have been noticing the unreturned calls/texts/e-mails and the lack of want; all the time you spent missing for inexplicable reasons that were only for me. Noticing all the time you had to keep in contact with the people who really were important to you. I should have been trying to get out of the masquerade; I was the only one without a mask.

Others were wondering what was happening with “us” while they knew more than I did. Late night/early morning texts searching for a missing you that I was never privy to locating. Shame of it all, I was the only one who was thinking I meant anything. All the while I was another name for the bottom of your list. You had me playing a game I could never win because I didn’t know I was in the game.

It does explain why I was always the last to know everything in your life. How everyone’s everything was more important than mine. Those late night calls weren’t because you were missing me but because your front runner was busy. Now I know why everything was an almost. Why you almost called, almost text…you know why you almost made an actual plan. How you almost pretended you cared. It’s easy to understand why the rules weren’t rules to anybody else. How is it, the man who preached of being a better man, wasn’t a better man?

I regret letting you get close to me & wasting so much energy trying. Maybe when you told me you didn’t believe in try it should have sent off an alarm. If you didn’t believe in try; I should have stopped trying. Except, I didn’t. That statement alone explained why you were doing for others & not even attempting when it came to me. I did that to myself. So rarely I let anyone near my heart, when I let go it hurts deep.

It’s not your fault I care deep & fiercely. It’s not your fault I didn’t walk away sooner. It’s not your fault I let myself ignore all the signs. It is your fault for making me believe you were someone I should care about. It’s your fault for stringing me along.

It’s your own doing you feel betrayed. Betrayed, because I no longer accept your half-truths as truths? Betrayed, because I know my emotional limitations & not being able to trust someone bothers me? Betrayed, because I didn’t want to be used by you any longer? Betrayed, because while you preach about being a better person, I am actually trying to be one? I laugh because it’s ironic that now you feel betrayed when I should have! From the long list of women I never knew about to the M.I.A. everything. I should feel betrayed because I told you I didn’t want to be your place holder & you made me one. I have every right to be angry that all you did was take & manipulate; while I actually gave a damn.

I’m amazed I’m trying to explain myself to someone who doesn’t even fake an excuse on my behalf. I felt guilty in deleting you from my FB & phone book. I confessed to clear my conscience to someone whose conscience has no concern for me. I had every right to write you off & not feel guilty. Except when the thought of me hurting you came up I balked & rushed to amend; explain my “wrong”. Unfortunately the thought of hurting me doesn’t even cause you pause.

Now, I’m left with my conscience because I f*ed up again when it comes to you. I let you lure me back in while knowing I needed to let you go. You were ill & I cared. I should have walked right out of that house & never looked back. Then my feelings started nagging me. I tried to allow you to tell me the truth & still you pretended. I went along with your charade because you were ill & a part of me wanted to believe you. I should have ran for the door that very second.

Then I allowed myself to fall for your not so charismatic charm. I let you seduce me into old habits & familiarities that hurt me in the end. Now my conscience & my heart are screaming at me. I wanted that never had conversation to happen so I could tell you how I felt & express my betrayal from you. I wish I had said to you what I had been holding in for so long. Instead you win. You got to use me one last time & go right back to your regularly scheduled life.

I wish it were that easy for me.