Questioning Myself

I miss you when you’re not around. I don’t miss just the companionship. I miss you. I miss the silent comfort of sleeping next to you. I miss how you make me feel as a person; a woman. I’m just not sure if you miss me the same since you can go so long “without” me. Maybe I am a crack head for Love & that’s why I miss you the way I do.

Could it be the difference in our connections? The calming excitement of seeing you?

Too bad I don’t know if you get that excitement. Your body language tells me nothing. Your poker face scares me. I’m used to subtle signals of appreciation or admiration for my presence; not that it’s a present. You know a smile; a slow creeping grin when you see me. A soft slow hug to tell me goodbye/hello. An affectionate touch or whispered greeting. Something?

Am I spoiled to the notion that I deserve recognition for my being? Do I not give you that appreciation? Maybe I am supposed to be learning a lesson I’m missing through you?

I’m looking for those familiar signs. I thought were automated. Except you’re unfamiliar & your signs unrecognizable. Sometimes it’s like I’m waiting on you to warm up to the idea of me. Then when you do, it over; time to go home.

Am I not looking hard enough for the signs? Am I trying too hard to put you into a familiar category? Since everything about you is outside of my knowledge base of emotion?

I feel like I’m changing how I want to react to you to mirror your coolness…coldness…your “ness”. It’s like being on hold while you’re still moving; never know if you will want to hit play. The timer needs to ding because I want to be me. Well, me in love/like/hope.

Did I set precedence for not being me with you? Is our secret changing the dynamic of who I am; we are? Do I overlook my own feelings for my want?

The feelings I get when I’m with you are normal for me. Except I think they would scare you. Just the sheer amount of affection I hold back is monumental. We seem to possess two very different views of affection/care. Yours are optional & not necessary. Mine uncontrollable & life sustaining.

I feel like we’re working too hard to make “this”; whatever “this” is, work. Are we confusing lust for emotions? Are we ignoring obvious signs? Signs like personality suppression? Once we hold back who we are can we truly connect?

I don’t want that kind of resentment between us. We have a delicate balance to us. Except there is no we…us…unity. Maybe that’s why you never noticed the special allowances I made for you. I was giving you access to my feelings assuming we were equal. Well you know what they say…when you ass-u-me! Not sure about other women in your life. You’re so tight lipped. Maybe they possess the access I seek.

Is this karma for past indiscretions? Do you have a front runner while I am just a space holder? Is this the lesson I am supposed to be learning?